Sometimes when people behave in ways that I don’t understand or don’t grasp ideas that I think are obvious because they have a different view of the situation, I have a tendency to catastrophise. Like pretty much every person under the sun, from time to time I experience what people honestly call a ‘problem’ or two with the perspectives of others.
Something I find useful in trying not to panic about how a situation will turn out with someone is employing what NLP practitioners call an alternative perspective. It doesn’t necessarily change the problem, but it does change the way I look at it, and the sense of doom that something bad is automatically going to happen starts to recede.
I have struggled with anxiety about people and how they behave, and how people perceive how I behave, for most of my life, and sometimes it is simply agonising because I hate confrontation, and yet I have this deeply held belief about fair play which means I cannot walk away.
I have found a great deal of inner peace through studying CBT and NLP methods to manage my anxiety. For instance, to adopt the perspective of someone else when dealing with a problem can enable a different point of view which brings relief from anxiety about how things will turn out. If for example, you try to adopt the point of view of a doctor, a religious leader or guru, a psychiatrist, a teacher, an engineer – anyone you like. Then compare their perspective with your own.
It’s a very easy and cost effective way to get a second opinion and a third and…!
I find that when trying to understand why someone would behave in a certain way, seeing how they act from the perspective of someone else really helps. To see through the eyes of a teacher, for example, might show me that the person with whom I have an issue really needs educating and hasn’t acted in a selfish or thoughtless manner on purpose. To see through the eyes of a doctor might help me perceive that the person has a series of health issues that might alter the way they interact with the world. To see the person or situation through the eyes of a spiritual leader might help me develop compassion for their situation which may be affecting the way they relate to others.
Much of the reason why I drank was about anxiety around other people. I used it to calm anger and frustration, I used it to calm nerves about meeting up. I used it to squash emotions about people who I disliked but had to deal with. I used it to squash my instincts about the motivations of people who appeared to care but had really quite selfish interests. I used it to cover up what I suspected about myself.
Getting sober hasn’t just been about learning to deal with people without a chemical prop, it has/is about learning to cope with my feeling about myself and how I feel others perceive me. I am deeply insecure despite the bluster. What I do love about myself now I have got to get to know myself a bit better, sober, is that I am stronger than I knew. That’s quite exciting. I bet you are too. What have you learned to love about yourself? I would love to hear xxx
sober women awareness network (swan) 