I have stated before that I have been extremely lucky in this, hopefully my last, attempt to become sober once and for all. I haven’t had cravings, nor suffered any withdrawal symptoms. I haven’t fought with feelings of ‘Oh, normally I’d do this with a glass of fizz’ and if I have had anywhere near that thought, it has been fleeting. I have been able to envisage a life without another glass of wine or ‘poshecco’!! Picture myself totally in control at all future weddings (not mine I hasten to add) work dos, birthdays, funerals (again, not mine 😉 ). I can’t give any other explanation for this other than my head is obviously ‘in the right place’.
Or is it that I was so ashamed of my behaviour over the last few years that I have been put off drinking for life?
Or is it the disappointment in my father’s face when I fell off a train onto the platform flat on my face because I was so drunk?
Or is it the money that I poured down my throat over the years?
Perhaps it was my use of social media to publicly humiliate an ex, when in actual fact it is me that is humiliated?
Maybe the possibility of losing my job over the aforementioned social media no-no?
There are hundreds of events that I could list that I wish I hadn’t done, people I wish I hadn’t upset, family I long to have not disappointed and the constant self-loathing and depression. But nothing can be done to change what has gone before.
Now I have to think about the future. My re-found confidence. To look for another job and to meet new people, make new friends. I have done more in 71 days than I have done in the last 10 years, if not more. I have done a spot of public speaking!! I am doing a little more for our good friend Binki this Saturday! I have agreed to do a talk for a friend to a group of people in May (on what, I have no idea!). Public speaking was an absolute ‘NO WAY’ before I stopped drinking!
I have set up The Happiness Club, in conjunction with Psychologies Magazine and ‘Action for Happiness’ and I am embracing changes in my personal life and taking steps to overcome difficulties in that area.
I feel positive and I need to give something back, as corny as that sounds (albeit not as corny as ‘The Happiness Club’!!). I have had counselling, psychotherapy, group support, CBT, help from A&E departments, help from the police, help from local medical professionals and services, help from friends and family, help from total strangers. All because I was selfishly throwing alcohol down my neck. I am nearing the end of my first course in Counselling, with the second course to start later this year, so that I can start to give back.
So you see, I have a lot to think about – but it’s looking forward and it’s looking positively to find a way to make my awful experiences over the last 20 years of my life count for something and somebody.
And if this post comes under ‘Recorked’s Blog’, I think I may have finally cracked it Binki 😉 Hurrah! xx