thank you, inadequacy

Like a lot of people, I get to feel inadequate several times a week.  A sense of not quite being up to par.  Disappointing, even.  You hear about people who have performed better, earned more, got more friends, seen more of the world, slept better, argued less, looked more appealing…and the list goes on.  Superhuman beings, who seem to attract success.  Or,  the ones that get on quietly with life and put temperamental, flapping people like me to shame. They are just better. Of course it’s possible to learn stuff from everyone we meet, even if it is how not to do things.

 

I’m not a particularly driven or focused person.  I just like to run with stuff, but I would like to plan better. I have never been one of those that work a seven day week and gets a kick out of it. Writing is my thing, I guess. 

 

The main element that  makes me feel inadequate in the face of people who are ‘better’ is something I have come to recognise as fear.  I used to label it anxiety, shyness, stress, tiredness, lots of things, frustration, resentment, bitterness – depending on my mood – but in the end it comes down to fear.

 

Fear of not being to pay the bills. Fear of getting ill. Fear of losing people.  Fear of being judged, or of not getting approval.  Always on the scary rollercoaster. I used to drink to push back the fear, but now it is here in all its dragon like, sober glory.

 

Someone mentioned to me a while ago the concept of giving myself permission, which sounds innocuous enough, but actually when I considered it further, it became a big deal.  Why wasn’t I giving myself permission not to be afraid?  What was the worst that could happen if I stopped being fearful? Why did I have to have my fists so tightly curled into my eyes?

 

At this point in time I am trying really hard to believe in a new way forward, using the ‘give yourself permission’ criteria.  It’s ok therefore (in my model of the world) to…

  • change your mind about something you once believed in, because you have learned a better way
  • change what you do and how you do it
  • not know how things will develop as a result
  • feel the fear and do it anyway (love that phrase)
  • not do things because ‘everyone’ (it’s never everyone) else is but because it is right for you
  • leave a situation because it is not working for you or you feel stuck
  • be materially poor as a field mouse but actually possessions mean sod all.
  • not change the world
  • make mistakes, just as others do
  • not to obsess about what other people are thinking
  • not to have the answers to someone’s questions
  • not to answer questions just because they are asked
  • not to have an opinion when asked, and to remain quiet

     

Like many people, I would guess, I try to be ‘good’; grateful and kind.  I don’t always manage it because I am human. It’s ok not to be perfect, however.  No one else is, after all. It’s ok not to be liked by every single person in the world.  No one else is, after all. Sometimes it is hard to recognise that someone I really want to like me is never going to, but actually that is ok too. There will always be people who argue and people who agree.  That is life.

The peaceful mind

The peaceful mind

by Hippydippy66

Hi All

This is my first of many blogs I hope.  I wanted to kick off with looking at the nature of our mind, on quite a simplistic level.

As I am sure we can all relate, when we have been drinking in the past, our mind has been anything but peaceful. Indeed, alcohol makes our mind depressed, anxious, fearful and we can be filled with lots of self loathing.

In comparison, when we have a sober mind, our depression, anxiety, fear and self loathing is lessened, I would suggest, quite considerably. This is not to say that when we become sober, all our problems magically disappear (I wish), but that problems are easier to deal with with a clearer mind lessened by the effects of alcohol.

Buddha teaches that the mind creates our reality.

From my own experience, I know that when I had been drinking I was highly critical of everything and everyone around me at the time, until the alcohol wore off. The same situation and people when sober would appear to be normal to me. This is I feel a clear example that our faults do not lie in anything external to us, it is our own mind that is projecting the good, the bad ad the ugly onto people and external situations.

I love the idea that whatever I feel and create is down to me and my own mind not the result of anything external. This feels really empowering.

I know that I therefore have a responsibiity to keep my mind as peaceful as possible which I will blog about later.

Thanks for reading

Love me x