Reflections…

 

This is a post from when I was at about 60 days. I can remember it clearly as It was the first time I had had any real cravings…It is weird that I am re reading it today as I have been craving oblivion a bit today…the monotony of life gets to me sometimes, I do love the peace and calm I have now sober, but those feelings do creep up on me now and again. The difference is I have all the tools in place to deal with these feelings now…or failing them, bed and sleep!

 

 

What a weekend…

I feel exhausted.

Friday I had an appointment about my back, I have been waiting months for this and kind of trying to ignore it too. The news wasn’t great, as I have tried all the conventional methods it seems an operation is my only option and worse still I can not do any exercise…apart from swimming or yoga. I hate swimming!

Saturday was a long stressful day, I volunteered to help serving teas and coffees at an event my children were taking part in. I spent 8 hours serving, my brain was fried and all I wanted to do was have a huge glass of cold wine and switch my brain off. I came home and laid on the bed still in my coat for an hour. Thinking about that glass of wine and how I’d feel such relief downing it. I laid there and imagined that wine.

I came down and told my husband I could murder a glass of wine, he was shocked…then he kind of said I’d done so well, maybe a glass wouldn’t hurt. Oh those words…

Take me back 60ish days and I would have been praying for those words, that opportunity, any excuse to give in.

I’ve felt so depressed today, I have been beating myself up all day. It’s stupid, I am such a perfectionist and have felt like I have been doing so well, no cravings blah blah blah. But it all means nothing, this has hit me like a train.

I can not take anything for granted. I have to work hard and not get complacent. I have an appointment with a recovery service tomorrow, I am so scared but I don’t think just me on my own will cut it long term I need to throw all I can get at it.

I have to do this and I don’t want to be hanging on by my fingernails.

 

Sharing some happiness!

This is a diary entry from the 7th of November 2014, I’ve loved re reading this one!

It’s been 74 days since I last had a drink! I feel bloody amazing. I’m so happy I could hug everyone I meet.

If you are trying to talk yourself in or out of doing this, please just give it a go.

You have nothing to lose but the hangovers, feelings of self hatred, anxiety, bloated face, irritation, self loathing, guilt, shame, liver damage, weight gain, insecurities, depression the list could go on. I had every single one of these plus another ten or more. Why? Why? Why?

I have let go of so much over the last 74 day, perfectionism, workaholism, being a martyr, people pleasing and more.

What seemed like insurmountable problems in my life are merely the day to day ups and downs of life. Instead of having huge highs and many despairing lows, I now feel on an even keel…but with a buzz in my head that tells me I can do anything!

My marriage has improved, my relationship with my children is wonderful, I’m so much more productive in my business and we have already seen sales grow! I have even started making jewellery, something I have wanted to do for years and have already sold some pieces!!

I still have another addiction to beat, but I know I can do it! I’m full of hope and excitement for the future.

If you are thinking to yourself that I’m making it sound too easy…well, I do think it can be if you can get in the right frame of mind. I have been drinking in a damaging way since I was 13, I will be 40 next year. There came a point where the excuses were just getting silly. I knew what I had to do…I had to not pick up that drink, do what you need to do… talk, run, bake, shower, bath, walk the dog, dance, read, eat, clean, do a class…anything!!! It does get easier I promise and life is so much easier without the alcohol.

This is a quote I read that I love…

‘To sober up seems to many like making life “so serious,” as if seriousness precluded joy, warmth, spontaneity and fun. But there can be a delusional, blind quality to non-sober festivities. To have our eyes open soberly with all our senses and memory intact allows some of the most rewarding, soul-nourishing, and long-lasting pleasures possible.’

The peaceful mind

The peaceful mind

by Hippydippy66

Hi All

This is my first of many blogs I hope.  I wanted to kick off with looking at the nature of our mind, on quite a simplistic level.

As I am sure we can all relate, when we have been drinking in the past, our mind has been anything but peaceful. Indeed, alcohol makes our mind depressed, anxious, fearful and we can be filled with lots of self loathing.

In comparison, when we have a sober mind, our depression, anxiety, fear and self loathing is lessened, I would suggest, quite considerably. This is not to say that when we become sober, all our problems magically disappear (I wish), but that problems are easier to deal with with a clearer mind lessened by the effects of alcohol.

Buddha teaches that the mind creates our reality.

From my own experience, I know that when I had been drinking I was highly critical of everything and everyone around me at the time, until the alcohol wore off. The same situation and people when sober would appear to be normal to me. This is I feel a clear example that our faults do not lie in anything external to us, it is our own mind that is projecting the good, the bad ad the ugly onto people and external situations.

I love the idea that whatever I feel and create is down to me and my own mind not the result of anything external. This feels really empowering.

I know that I therefore have a responsibiity to keep my mind as peaceful as possible which I will blog about later.

Thanks for reading

Love me x