Back down

Hey there – a warning to any reader: I am feeling very low today so won’t be a happy blog!

So I suffer from depression and have done for about 10 years.  I take medication, although I’m not entirely sure of its efficacy.  I am up and down like a tart’s knickers.  I have been ok for a while and today, I just want to lie in bed, watching rubbish on TV and trawling through similar rubbish on the web.  I have just eaten three two-finger KitKats in succession because I can’t be arsed to go for anything outside of my bedroom.  I haven’t had, nor do I want, contact with anyone.  I have replied to a message out of necessity and politeness, but other than that –  nothing.

I went to a talk last night about the Law of Attraction and my behaviour today would have them all in paroxysms of disgust.  I downloaded a type of gratitude diary and filled in some of that.  I chatted about the positive things that have happened to me recently – which made for a short discussion!  I listened to tips on how to apply the Law of Attraction.  I listened to a room full of people declare that ‘it really works’, as if trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.

I get it… but I’m not entirely sure about it.

Anyway, you’d think that all that positivity would have rubbed off a little bit? But no – between the time I fell asleep with thoughts of all I could have swathing through my brain to the time I woke up – some heavy weight decided to take up residence and screw me down.

As quickly as that and with no warning.  With no reason.

So, I can just see the lucky side of being sober in this situation.  I need to remember the necessity of being sober in this situation.  I’m depressed, yes.  But I’m not taking an overdose and being kept in hospital because my heart rate is that of someone about to die of a heart attack.  I can’t face the thought of going outside, of having to engage with anyone –  nope.  But at least I won’t be wandering the streets at all hours of the morning on my own, getting into fights – and not remembering any of it.  I want to be alone – yes indeed! But I have commitments this weekend and I will make sure I fulfil them, rather than get so wildly drunk and not give a shit who I let down or who I upset.  That’s the difference.

Sobriety doesn’t cure all – but it enables me to stay safe, stay alive and be trusted again.

And it’s Mothering Sunday this weekend!  I have daughterly duties to undertake!  My mum told me how proud of me she is last night on the phone and I still feel like shit.

Why?

The worst thing about depression is not knowing why you are depressed.  Not being able to put into words the reason you feel so dark and low and worthless and insignificant.  But at least I can say why it’s better without alcohol (on Day 74!)  I can clutch onto that tiny positive for now.

Happy weekend to you all and stay sober and safe :-/

 

Published by

littlemisssober

Confusingly confused and trying to find the meaning in the meaning of life.

10 thoughts on “Back down”

  1. Your blogs are really from the heart and I wish I had the answers for you as to why you have been suffering from depression for years. Firstly 74 days is fantastic, no wonder your mum is proud of you and when you are feeling a little bit better hopefully you will be proud of you too. As you know, alcohol is a depressant, it might be simply alcohol withdrawal which is making you have mood swings. I don’t know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the more time your body and mind recovers from the alcohol abuse, the more inclined you will feel like facing the world and standing tall. Sending you lots of love x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your doing the right things …. Keep functioning …. That’s a good start. Then consciously turn away from the dark …don’t let yourself get sucked down … Lift up your heart ….look for the light and follow it… It’s there somewhere.

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  3. When you posted yesterday i replied ‘been there, got the tee shirt’ so still on that note I can only reply with my experience of what you are going through today. Here goes…..

    Depression and alcohol, chicken and egg, which comes first, who knows the answer to that one, but what we do know is that alcohol worsens depression, so that fact that you are depressed and haven’t turned to alcohol this time is a HUGE positive in my eyes. 74 days sober and counting, flipping brilliant littlemisstims. Confusion, loneliness, fear and constant searching for an alternative to your addiction is normal in early days of being sober. Its bewildering, exhausting and shitty but it gets better with time. Impatient? you bet, I was too. Long term depression, as you say you have, was a whole different scrabble (my new favourite word!!) for me to deal with once sober and, trying to cope without alcohol to numb it, was a whole different challenge. Here’s my “journey”…….

    I spent years in a bewilderment of doctors, talking or (not talking) groups, CBT, positive thinking, gratitude lists and antidepressants from A to Z the efficacy of which as you say always in doubt. Then one day a doctor said to me I can’t help you anymore so” I want you so see a psychiatrist to determine what type of depression you have, clinical or reactionary, and we can go from there” What type I thought? there is only one, blackness, despair and the constant no answer as to why, why, WHY. Anyway mine turned out to be clinical, along with a personality disorder of people pleasing, searching for perfection in everything I did and thinking I could fix everything that was wrong with everybody else. Who did I think I was, Mother Theresa?!! No, I was just in an exhausting whirl of searching and getting nowhere.

    With the right medication which I am still taking now (some years on) and finding the right talking therapy (and I dismissed a few as not for me, with an effit attitude, cos I always knew better!!) and then sticking with it, I am in a whole new sober, balanced and coping world. Shit still happens but I deal with it with less anxiety and drama more coping tools. I am not by any means “cured” but I know what is wrong with me, understand it, accept it and now manage it

    Maybe this is nothing to do with how you are feeling right now, but then maybe there is just one little thing that you can identify with, if so I hope it helps you to find some help Lots of love and luck. You seem a determined lady and that is a great launching pad. Janey xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Janey! Your comments really do help. I’ve never been told whether I have clinical or reactionary depression and I wouldn’t want to hazard a guess! I’m glad to hear you are in the right track though xx

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  4. Some brilliant comments and I hope you feel a little reassured that life isn’t always going to be like this…I have had chronc depression and bouts of extreme anxiety which make me do the strangest things, all my life, and now when I sense an episode approaching, I know it is time to go back on meds and do what needs to be done, to manage. Like if we have a bad leg, we take meds for that. TYou are brave and strong to post and I feel sure that your ability to share in such a courageous way and work it out accordingly will be what keeps you keeping on xxx

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