Hey there – a warning to any reader: I am feeling very low today so won’t be a happy blog!
So I suffer from depression and have done for about 10 years. I take medication, although I’m not entirely sure of its efficacy. I am up and down like a tart’s knickers. I have been ok for a while and today, I just want to lie in bed, watching rubbish on TV and trawling through similar rubbish on the web. I have just eaten three two-finger KitKats in succession because I can’t be arsed to go for anything outside of my bedroom. I haven’t had, nor do I want, contact with anyone. I have replied to a message out of necessity and politeness, but other than that – nothing.
I went to a talk last night about the Law of Attraction and my behaviour today would have them all in paroxysms of disgust. I downloaded a type of gratitude diary and filled in some of that. I chatted about the positive things that have happened to me recently – which made for a short discussion! I listened to tips on how to apply the Law of Attraction. I listened to a room full of people declare that ‘it really works’, as if trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.
I get it… but I’m not entirely sure about it.
Anyway, you’d think that all that positivity would have rubbed off a little bit? But no – between the time I fell asleep with thoughts of all I could have swathing through my brain to the time I woke up – some heavy weight decided to take up residence and screw me down.
As quickly as that and with no warning. With no reason.
So, I can just see the lucky side of being sober in this situation. I need to remember the necessity of being sober in this situation. I’m depressed, yes. But I’m not taking an overdose and being kept in hospital because my heart rate is that of someone about to die of a heart attack. I can’t face the thought of going outside, of having to engage with anyone – nope. But at least I won’t be wandering the streets at all hours of the morning on my own, getting into fights – and not remembering any of it. I want to be alone – yes indeed! But I have commitments this weekend and I will make sure I fulfil them, rather than get so wildly drunk and not give a shit who I let down or who I upset. That’s the difference.
Sobriety doesn’t cure all – but it enables me to stay safe, stay alive and be trusted again.
And it’s Mothering Sunday this weekend! I have daughterly duties to undertake! My mum told me how proud of me she is last night on the phone and I still feel like shit.
The worst thing about depression is not knowing why you are depressed. Not being able to put into words the reason you feel so dark and low and worthless and insignificant. But at least I can say why it’s better without alcohol (on Day 74!) I can clutch onto that tiny positive for now.
Happy weekend to you all and stay sober and safe