Looking back.

This is a diary entry from back in september 2014, I had 21 days alcohol free.

I am a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak…These have been the things that in on one hand have kept me drinking for so long and on the other hand have helped me to stop.

Over my many years of alcoholism I have managed to maintain outward appearances, I’m not sure if anyone would even know. As I moved into my thirties and married and had children my drinking became focused in the home, I have a business, I was part of school committees, I volunteer, I bake, I exercise hard blah blah blah.

I worked so hard to keep all the balls up in the air, telling myself I can’t possibly be that bad when I’m doing all this stuff! Yeah right.

I have often used my parents as bench marks for my alcoholism…I’ve not been done for drink driving, so I am not as bad as them, I’ve not been to court, I’ve not been to prison, but it doesn’t matter what they have or haven’t done. I was fooling myself, I am the same…but I am determined not to have the same endings as them.

So, I am focusing my energy on staying sober…it’s my new ‘project’ I realise I can not just ‘stop drinking’ it has to be deeper than that.

Self care!! I have given up the school committee stuff, I have changed the focus of my gym training away from heavy weightlifting to Pilates and kettle bells, I am trying to relax more about the housework and cooking every meal from scratch.

I have been treating myself everyday… face masks, flowers, magazines, dark chocolate, a new nail polish, lovely bottles of elderflower drinks. Using the money I would have spent on wine, spirits and crisps which I worked out to not far off a twenty quid a day!

I have immersed myself in reading books and blogs, listening to podcasts.

I have already found so much out about myself…and it’s only day 21.

Oh and something that keeps my mind on this sober future is re reading about the middle stages of alcoholism…exactly where I was and it frightens the hell out of me.

 

 

2 thoughts on “Looking back.”

  1. Indeed a progressive situation and it is scary to think what could have happened if we hadn;t stopped, thanks for a great blog, wonderful to see you posting on this network xxx

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  2. Thanks for this post–I completely identify. I told myself for a long time that I couldn’t be an alcoholic because because I was taking care of all the business and holding down the fort, and it wasn’t really progressing. Then I took a look at the list in the format of early, middle and late stages and realized that the things in the middle stage category I was checking off weren’t true a few years ago. Scary indeed.

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